Intersections

where municipal revenues and unbridled capitalism collide…

Anchorage used to be a pretty normal town.Sure, it is in the middle of Alaska, and Alaska nuzzles right up to the Arctic circle, but Anchorage used to look and feel like any other American town of around 400,000 people.That is until some bright young whiz kids in an internal municipal think tank a few years ago in 2032 came up with the Intersection Ordinance. This law has been operational now for about five years, and during that time the entire face and character of Anchorage has been radically transformed.

The law allows, indeed, encourages private citizens or groups or corporations — the highest bidder — to lease intersections from the municipality of Anchorage for decades at a time. Moreover, it allows them to do just about anything they want to with those intersections. The ordinance was a response to the fact that the municipality was going bankrupt. For political reasons it could not raise taxes any further and could not cut positions any further or significantly reduce the budget. Hence, the internal think tank.

It turns out that street intersections are potentially quite valuable and, luckily for the municipality, they own all of them. Private corporations, political organizations, religious organizations, nonprofit organizations, and the occasional soft-core pornography racket really want to have their own intersection to hock their wares, push their ideas, and sell their stuff. And that is exactly what happened.

McDonald’s intersection

So, for example, there’s McDonald’s Intersection. This intersection is two major roads — north/south and east/west — that come together in the middle of Anchorage. It is a major high traffic area. McDonald’s leased this intersection for millions of dollars and now you can’t get anywhere near that intersection without being bombarded electronically, visually, and even olfactorily with the world of McDonald’s.

It is almost impossible to casually “drive through” nonstop because red lights predominate, and green lights are a begrudging after-thought so red-light crazed motorists won’t attack the golden arches. During the time those red lights turn the lanes into long skinny parking lots, various things happen. You might be approached by a clown who is giving away coupons. You might be approached by a shapely young woman or handsome dude who are handing out little McDonald’s hamburgers for free to hook you on the product, or perhaps they are hawking free miniature shakes or bags of fries.

And by the way, the entire intersection has huge Golden Arches floating over it. You can’t miss it. In fact, you can’t avoid it. It has become a new landmark. We used to have church steeples in Anchorage that you could see from some distance. Now we have massive Golden Arches rising a hundred and fifty feet into the air over a major intersection.

Spenard and intersections of ill repute

Let’s head on down to Spenard. This is one of the oldest sections of Anchorage. It’s where the bootleggers were, the houses of prostitution, the really raunchy bars and gambling houses, and other establishments of ill repute. And while over time the character of that area has become spruced up to some extent, that, of course, is where the porno interests have leased two or three intersections that they now own.

These intersections are highly sought after by the young men and teenage boys because they feature, for example, busty young women in very tight, white stretchy tops. They lean way over and clean your windshield for about $30. Rumor has it that if you slip them, say, $100, they’ll polish your nob in a little side area that is obscured by privacy curtains for your car. I wouldn’t know of course because I have no direct experience. But I will say that those rumors persist.

Rabbis, grandmothers, and rugelach

Then of course there’s Jewish Intersection where grandmotherly types hand out rugelach — delicious traditional Jewish pastry — and rabbis wander around the lanes offering sage wisdom to Jews and non-Jews alike. Generally the idea is to try to build up a more positive image in the face of ever-increasing antisemitism. I have to say Jewish Intersection is one that motivates me to swing way out of my way because I love rugelach, especially free rugelach.

There’s Mormon Intersection which frankly is pretty boring. But they will talk to you as long as you want, and many of their public outreach people who stroll the lanes are young and attractive males and females. You can imagine that there are a lot of lonely people in Anchorage who don’t really care what the subject matter is. They just want to talk with somebody, and they want to tell their story. And if they have to listen to someone else’s story, well, so be it. It’s free. And you don’t even have to leave your car. You can just park there off to the side of Mormon Intersection. The Mormons might get what they want and you might get what you want.

So how has this worked out for Anchorage? The leasing of intersections has brought in huge amounts of money for the municipality. We now have more parks. We now have luxurious public buildings. We now have money in the coffers for every conceivable boondoggle and goofy idea that anyone who’s got the slightest bit of pull at the municipality can suggest.

On the other hand the entire city — but particularly the main intersections — have the look and feel of huge, pulsating, three dimensional, loud, obnoxious, totally engulfing advertisements. The whole character of the city has radically changed until you get out into the suburbs where there are remote intersections nobody really wants. The character of those areas is pretty much the same as it’s been for the last few decades. And of course, the rest of Alaska is largely unaffected. But that old saying that “Alaska starts just an hour’s drive outside of Anchorage” is truer than ever.

Just park in the middle of the road

Since the Intersection Ordinance has passed we have had increasingly huge traffic jams. The worst part about this is it’s getting worse and not better. And it can’t get better because these are intentional at each and every leased intersection. They don’t want you to go through quickly. They want you to go through slowly, or better yet stop and pull off to the side, or maybe not even pull off to the side. Maybe just park in the middle of the road while some transaction transpires or some haranguing occurs or some eye-popping visual display leaves you trying to figure out where to look and where it might be better not to look.

Because of all this you can no longer go in a straight line from point A to point B. You have to drive around town in broad arcs and jagged zigzags in order to avoid huge traffic jams at the most popular intersections. Well, I could go on and on, but right at the moment I’m on my way to work. I’m just going to make a little detour to Jewish Intersection, have a relaxing chat with a nice wandering Rabbi and a Jewish grandmother, and scarf up some of those rugelach. Maybe hit Starbucks Intersection and snag a free coffee too.

You have a good day! And when you have some spare time and you’re driving around town, I would advise you to check out Jewish Intersection. Chat with a grandmother and grab a couple of rugelach. I promise you’ll leave with a smile on your face.

Important note: the above story is fiction.